12/14/08

Didn't know what to call this post...

So today - or rather yesterday's date will have to do.

Frustration. Angst. Struggle. For anyone who have not been following our last 2 years this entry may be a bit surprising.  Dominic and I have wanted to move to Europe - felt led and certainly encouraged even - to help with planting a church somewhere there.  The first was in Vienna, Austria, but we were turned down as the position didn't look like it would be a good fit for us.  Indeed, after about 8 months of wrestling with this painful decision, we have come to the conclusion that the ministry position we sought was not a good fit for us.  We moved onto something that looked to be a better fit - a job in Europe.  Dom has had 3 interviews and was invited to come for a face to face interview in what looks to be a very good place to work from all we can tell from the interviews with the company and with other people who work there.  BUT now the economy has gotten in the way it appears and emails aren't answered and phone calls are uncomfortable.  

This so feels like death...of a dream, a hope.  Our life right now is not fun or pleasant.   It hurts.  I cry and my dear Dominic doesn't know what to do.  He can't encourage me because he's in the same boat.  I can't encourage him either.  That's on an especially bad day like today was.  Most of the time it's not THAT bad.  But today it all seemed to be in my face...

Today a friend came home from India to be reunited with his fiance who will join him there in January...and other friends at church announced they would be going to Japan with a missions agency.  Other friends we've met on our journeys are leaving today to go join the team leaders in Vienna.  Other sweet friends have moved to Germany for a couple of years in a work transfer.  Other friends are in Seattle.  Still others are at seminary preparing to go to Peru.  Another is preparing to go to Paris.  We seem surrounded by like minded people.  And I am so happy for them all.  I really like and value these wonderful people and can't help but be excited for each and every one of them.  But what is it?  Did we forget to put our deodorant on?

Yes, I KNOW the Lord is in this whole thing.  Please save all that breath.  I know this, but it certainly doesn't make walking this whole thing easier.  It's nice to say God knows the plans he has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm.  Plans to give us hope and a future.  We are seeking Him in this!  Know that!  But even God seems elusive.  This is probably something akin to couples who want to have a baby, but can't seem to get pregnant.  People will think there's some sin that's keeping you from being sent.  We've been through a discipleship course with the missions agency we applied with and I have gone through 2 other courses about discipleship as well.  In these things you ask God to show you your sin!  Sure, we now see just how much we need Jesus.  We know that we are so totally fallen that we could never work our way to heaven.  God's grace is our only hope.  But there hasn't been anything lurking in the shadows that God couldn't use for His good.  Nothing that would be a reason not to go.

So, we struggle with the thought of staying - and finding contentment in that.  Right now, the thought brings little consolation.  Mostly grief.  I know we can find opportunity to help with a church plant right here.  But Dom and I are this weird international couple.  God has UNiquely (think the UN here) gifted us in this sometimes bizarre way.  I SO don't understand what is going on.  I'd like to have at least a small grasp on the why of things like this.  So far, nothing.

We've been talking about feeling as if we are walking around in a mist.  Now it seems the fog just got thicker.

And there's not much escape from it all.  Sure there's Dr. Who and Survivor, The Office, and The Amazing Race, but all TV series come to an end. Books do the same.  Sleep too.  These escapes are only for a time.  Good while they last, but they are temporary.  So for now we wriggle and squirm in the uncomfortableness of this time in our lives.  We hope it is temporary, but even hope seems lacking ...  Meanwhile, we wait as well as we can.